There is a little Sutta in the main group of Suttas, the Majjhima Nikaya, it's also in the collection in the twenty Suttas that I prepared. It's called the Prince Abhaya Sutta. In it the prince was discussing with the Buddha about when to say something in order to help others, when to say something that's nice, when to say something that's not nice. The Buddha gave six different categories of when to say something in order to help others:
He said that when something is not correct, and it's not beneficial, and it's displeasing to the other person, he would not say it. When it is correct, but it's not beneficial, and it's displeasing to the other person, he would not say it. But when it is correct, and it is beneficial, but it's still not pleasing to the other person, then he knew the proper time for saying it.
And when it's not correct, and it's not beneficial, but it is pleasing to the other person, he would not say it. When it is correct, but it's not beneficial, yet it is pleasing to the other person, he would not say it. But when it is correct, and it is beneficial, and it is pleasing to the other person, then he knew the right time for saying it.
This is interesting. It is similar to when I talk about it in the retreat, to have our speech be appropriate and beneficial, not just correct and true. Whether the person likes it or whether they don't like it, is not so important compared to if it's appropriate. And even if it's correct, even if it's appropriate, even if the person likes to hear it, the Buddha still knew the right time to say it. Now unfortunately, we don't have that ability, to always know the right time. But to consider these three conditions, of whether it is correct, whether it is beneficial, and whether they like or don't like to hear it as we try to help others is important. If we say something which does not help, then we try to learn what to do next time in the future. When it works, fine. When it doesn't work, we try to learn from it.
As to the Buddha giving us instructions, yes there is one in this little Sutta and there are other cases where he explains things similarly. Yet it will take our wisdom to really know when to "do that" and when "not to do that". This often means that we have to think about whom we are talking to, and this is part of the many problems. As I mention in the regular retreat, some teachers may know something is correct and true, they may even know it's appropriate and beneficial as well sometimes, but then they just give it to anyone, they give it to everybody. And as much as it may be appropriate and beneficial for themselves, it may not be appropriate and beneficial to the people they give it to. Unfortunately there are a lot of meditation teachers who are teaching in this way, and it creates a lot of difficulties for their students. As much as we can, personally, we try to understand where this student is coming from and what is very helpful.
It helps too, on another note, when you are a student and receiving help from a teacher, not to expect things to be a certain way. I'll give an example of when a teacher did something that was inappropriate to me but I was able to understand it though. It has actually happened to me twice in Thailand. I've gone up to visit a teacher, after coming into the building, I go up to them and I bow three times to the teacher. The teacher made a scowling expression with their face and pointed to the side. Twice with different teachers, this happened almost exactly the same way, almost the exact same stern expression. So I look at where they are pointing, it's the Buddha statue. I go to the Buddha statue and bow three times, then I come back to them and bow three times. Now the teacher was ready to talk to me.
Now I could understand that, but imagine a brand new Westerner, who's come from America, Germany wherever, full of excitement about the Dhamma, done a few retreats in the West, has read in the travel book to bow to your teachers, etc., etc. They go in and bow, and the teacher acts like they did with me. But in this case, the new Westerner, all excited, doesn't know what to do. A lot of them are going to start crying, they are going to be afraid, all sorts of fears and embarrassments. The two different teachers didn't really know who I was, I was a Westerner coming to learn the Dhamma, yet they expected that I should perform the same thing as a Thai person would do. So when you are with a teacher who is teaching you things which don't seem to fit, seem to be inappropriate and so on, don't take it too personally. Ask the teacher for more information, tell the teacher you don't understand, tell the teacher you are not sure what you are supposed to do and so on. Then you are not thrown off into aversion trips or whatever just because you are being given something which is not appropriate.